Tag Archives: Alyson Shafer

Talking To Toddlers

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 Chris Thompson sits across from me, his coffee growing cold and his green eyes focused intently on me.  His enthusiasm is infectious.  He is excitedly explaining the premise for his new book and corresponding audio book, Talking To Toddlers, in which he marries his long-time love for hypnosis and speech language patterns with communication and applies them to talking to children.

It was during Frosh week when Chris first saw a performance by noted hypnotist, Mike Mandel.  He was amazed by the authenticity and immediately curious not only how it was possible but why? Thompson never missed a performance of Mandel’s when he was in town, throughout his university days, where he completed an engineering degree.

He later worked as a financial analyst, researcher and writer but when time allowed Chris pursued his hobby of hypnosis and language patterns and became a Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner.

Thompson always knew he wanted to be a father.  He grew up in a loving home with both parents who assumed traditional roles.  He describes his father as the breadwinner and his mother, who alternated between working outside the home and being a homemaker as the one quicker to discipline him and his two siblings.

He considers himself lucky to have had both of his parents involved in his day-to-day from an early age.  This strong familial foundation was the basis of his desire to have children of his own.  After university, Chris wed his long-time girlfriend and after they had settled into married life, his two daughters were born just a few years apart.

Becoming a father was a natural shift for Chris.  His love and adoration for his girls is evident when he flashes his mega-watt smile after I ask him to tell me about them.  The women in his life mean everything to him.  So much so, that after reading Tim Ferriss’s The Four Hour Work Week, he decided to make a life-change that would allow him to be even more physically and emotionally present in their lives.

It was after reading this book that Thompson re-evaluated his life and assessed what it was that gave him joy.  He applied the 80/20 principle (he wanted to spend 80% of his time doing things that fed his soul) to his reflective analysis and concluded that making a career that combine communication, family and NLP was the ticket to such happiness.

In a bold leap of faith, with the unwavering support of his wife, Chris left his comfortable job in financial services and has jumped feet first into making his book and audio-version downloads a success.  If early reviews mean anything, Australians seems to have taken a liking to Talking To Toddlers.

Talking To Toddlers is broken down into short segments with accompanying homework assignments.   The modules walk parents through a variety of techniques used to anticipate and diffuse tantrums as well as foster independence and responsibility.  Consistency and Commitment is a chapter dedicated to engaging children and taking time to make them an integral part of the family team.  If this philosophy sounds akin to something from an Alyson Shafer book, that is no coincidence.  Thompson sites Shafer as a parenting expert he greatly admires.

The chapters that most resonate with me, Saying No and Think Outside The Box, challenged my thinking and made me take pause.  Saying No encourages parents to count the number of times that they say “no” in a day and evaluate how many of those times the “no” was for a life and death situation.  I am almost embarrassed to say that Thompson was bang-on when he called me out as being “lazy”.  Since then, I have made a conscious effort to not say “no” all of the time.  I reframe my sentences, I take time to explain or I offer an alternative.  Finding creative alternatives is the premises of Think Outside The Box, and Thompson offers many (amusing) examples that are both fun for the child but controlled.

While no parenting manual ever offers a complete how-to that is in congruence with my individual ideology, Talking To Toddlers does provide short, easy to digest segments that invite conversation between parents and offers practical ways to improve communication with your children.  Not every scenario plays out as effortlessly as Thompson sets-up but he is honest in his approach and clearly outlines that parents and parenting are not always perfect.

“Remember, this is not rocket science.  All behaviour is driven my emotion not logic.  The same goes for kids and their parents.”

To obtain a copy of Talking To Toddlers or for more information on Chris Thompson, visit:

http://talkingtotoddlers.com

Interested in other reviews?

http://www.parenting-insider.com/talking-to-toddlers-review

http://www.betterparenting.com/talking-to-toddlers-review/

http://www.todaysmotherhood.com/2009/09/talking-to-toddlers-review

photo credit: http://www.wellsphere.com

In Defense of Manners

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I read Alyson Schafer’s chapter on “Social Skills – the Democratic Approach to Socializing Your Little Barbarian” from Ain’t Misbehavin’ with interest (although I chafed at the title – if we’re trying to be respectful and democratic parent, it’s probably helpful not to conceive of our partners as ‘barbarians’).  While chunks of the chapter pertain to troubles I haven’t had yet, largely because my children are still quite young (almost 5 and almost 3), it was still an illuminating read.

I like some of Shafer’s basic premises, which include being a good model to your children.  I also liked that she is respectful of a child’s natural boundaries.  For example, when your child doesn’t want to say hello to a stranger, Shafer identifies that that’s an extroverted act, and maybe you’re child’s not feeling extroverted.  I can relate to introversion:  once when I was pregnant and miserable, I pretended I didn’t see my sister-in-law on the streetcar because I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  These skills can be difficult to master as adults; I think kids need to be given some room to learn them.

I also totally agree with Shafer in her “Won’t Kiss Grandparents” section that a child shouldn’t be forced to engage in acts of intimacy (hugs, kisses) with someone unless they want to.  I’m guilty of nudging in the direction of a hug when the hopeful recipient is grandma or grandpa, but I need to cut it out.  I don’t think Shafer’s offered zingy one-line responses will help assuage the hurt feelings all that much, but that’s the way the cookie needs to crumble on this critical issue of our children having control and autonomy over their bodies.  

In general though, I think I take a harder line on requiring social skills than Shafer does.  I like people – kids included - who exhibit good manners.  I heard an interview on the CBC about the decline of civility (can’t find the details, sorry) and the interviewee noted that when teaching our children not to chew with their mouths open at the table, we are actually doing much more than prohibited that action:  we are teaching them that their behaviour impacts the people around them and they should care about that. 

I deeply value this basic consideration to others.  I was dismayed to go trick-or-treating with friends whose children were permitted to collect candy without saying ‘thank you’.  One child even demanded that he get more candy and tried to direct which kind.  At a drop-in centre, a girl (maybe 5 or 6 years old) who I had not met before tried to command me with a rude “I want juice!”.  Call me hard core, but I don’t mind telling you that when she did not modify her request, she did not get any juice. 

I believe that I’m cognizant (or at least clambering up that steep upward slope of learning) of children’s developmental needs, but I’m not that flexible on manners.  Basically I think there ought to be firm rules of social engagement.  I don’t require slavish adherence to the terms ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ at home, so if someone asks nicely, “Can I have that?”, I don’t require anything more.  But if I hear, “I want that!”, I will prompt my younger son for a ‘please’ or reply to my older son with “That’s nice”, after which they’ll remember their manners.  I won’t assist until I’m addressed courteously.   

Harder to address is when your child “Gives Attitude and Tone”, and I heartily agree with Shafer’s first solution on this section which is to “watch your tone” and also to find out if anything’s bothering your child.  But I resist the others solutions offered, which include “ignore the child’s tone” and “address the content of the child’s speech rather than the delivery.  If she announces she finds the meatload disgusting, you can reply chirpily, ‘Sorry you don’t like what’s for supper tonight.  That’s a bummer.  I hope there is enough other stuff to fill you up’. 

By contrast, I’m quite prepared to address rude tone, followed by consequences, and they don’t have to be all that natural.   If my child says “yuck” to dinner, I’m very likely to stop what I’m doing, look him squarely in the eye, and let him know that I’ve worked hard to make dinner, that he’s lucky to have food and a mommy who will make him dinner, that what he’s saying is hurting my feelings, and that if he can’t show his manners and eat with us, he can miss his dinner.”  And while I won’t be yelling, I won’t be chirpy either.

I haven’t read much about Shafer’s philosophy,  and I wonder if this might be where I fall off the wagon of democratic parenting .  I respect and deeply love my children and view them as equal participants in our family, but I don’t view them as equal to me.  I do view myself in a hierarchical relationship to them, where my responsibilities include active guidance to the best of my ability, and through which I sometimes will secure compliance before full understanding.  For example, I imposed upon my children a restriction against hitting long before they understood its utility.  Similarly, I am trying to infuse them with certain requirements of courtesy before they would feel a natural impulse to those habits.  I also believe that children generally live up to what’s expected of them, so I’m careful to keep my expectations high.

My guess is that underlying Shafer’s approach is a healthy endorsement of the individual and autonomy.  I espouse these values, but I also really believe in the importance of the collective.  Probably this is the result of being raised in the West, but within an Asian family, where the good of the whole is an unspoken and accepted tenet.  For me, the good of the whole requires certain modes of conduct, and while my children’s upbringing is radically different (and infinitely more permissive) than my own, there are some baselines of respect and courtesy that I’m not prepared to give up on. 

At least, not without a fight.

*****

If you would like the chance to win a copy of the book, please leave us a comment any day this week letting us know.  The competition ends at midnight on Friday, April 22.  We will draw for and announce the winner on Saturday, April 23, and Mom Central will mail out a copy of the book to the winner after April 30th.

Disclosure – We are participating in the Ain’t Misbehavin’ program by Mom Central on behalf of Wiley Publishing.  We received a copy of the book to review and gift card as a thank you for our participation.  The opinions on this blog are our own.

Freak-out-meltdowns (and other fun stuff you get to deal with as a parent)

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Deep breath.  Inhale, exhale.  Try not to lose it.  Try not to cry.  You are the parent.  You are in control here.  1, 2, 3, 4 . . .

How is that someone who has been on the planet for less than three years and has a limited vocabulary can well up such a storm of emotions within me in a matter of seconds?  Like a rapidly swinging pendulum I go from feeling overwhelming love and affection to having to talk myself down from losing my shit like a crazy person.

According to Alyson Shafer’s new book, Ain’t Misbehavin’, toddlers are among the most violent people on earth demonstrating an act of violence every three minutes.  If this statistic is true than certainly I have an overachiever on my hands.

With my eldest son, tantrums were fairly uncommon and when they did occur it was relatively easy to distract him and offer a consoling hug.  When he turned three, I was pretty proud of myself.  We escaped the “terrible twos”, unscathed save for a few epic meltdowns and one early departure from Nana’s house.  I had thought that I figured it all out.  Now, I could sit back and enjoy my middle child’s second year, because I had the secret weapon to diffusing explosive situations.  Stay calm, distract and offer a hug. 

Somewhere in the universe someone was having a chuckle at my expense because the day my middle son turned eighteen months, the world, as I knew it came crashing down on me.  He is that child – the one where everything is a battle.  It starts in the morning: what to wear, what to eat, getting in the car, getting out of the car, leaving school, eating lunch, having a bath, going to bed . . . which car is his, what colour the plate is, what colour the cup is, etc., etc.

Sometimes the days stretched on and on.  The tantrums bleeding together into what seemed like a never-ending fit.

Literally at a breaking point, I consulted experts (three to be exact) and read numerous parenting books (twelve to be exact).

He’s a spirited child.  He’s determined.  He’s smart.  He’s driven.  He’s alpha male. 

We tried it all.  Every strategy.  We picked clothes the night before, we limited all the choices to two, and we had a schedule printed on the whiteboard in the kitchen and timers to announce warnings for transitions.  We tried EVERYTHING!

Our boys attend a pre-school that is based on Adlerian principles that is in-line with Alyson Shafer’s approach.  The main points are as follows:

-       Everyone must feel connected

-       Everyone must feel that they are an integral part of the team

-       Everyone must feel that they matter

-       Everyone must feel that they are supported

I have had the opportunity to attend Alyson’s lectures on numerous occasions and have read her two previous books, Breaking the Good Mom Mythand Honey, I Wrecked The Kids, and so I was familiar with the foundation of this teaching.

I have implemented several of her strategies and found this approach to “work”.  Let me clarify:  The tantrums don’t magically stop but changing how I deal with them decreases their frequency, makes them more tolerable and greatly reduces the stress level in the house (most of the time).

Let me explain.  Ain’t Misbehavin’, is not simply a parenting book but an actual parenting tool.  It is designed to be a consultant of sorts.  Having trouble breaking bad habits?  Turn to chapter 9 and read over the scripts.  Having trouble catching some zzz’s?  Turn to chapter 3 for a sleep solution.  Since I am having trouble with tantrums, I turned to “the classics” chapter – conveniently located at the very front of the book.  (If I were to be completely honest, I need to turn to every chapter!).

After suggesting the root cause of the behaviour, Alyson encourages parents to be supportive and re-route.    Chapter two provides caregivers with scripts to use when children are “about to blow”.

It is suggested that the adult recognize the cause of the behaviour and verbally validate it:  “I see you are upset that we are out of chocolate milk.  I like chocolate milk too and it’s disappointing/sad that we finished it.  Wasn’t it yummy?  We will have to add it our grocery list for next time.  Come on, let’s add it together.”

If that doesn’t diffuse the situation and the tantrum develops into a full on flail and wail fest that won’t let up, Alyson suggests moving YOU not the child.  Once the tantrum has run its course, it’s best to carry-on as normal but make the child accountable for their actions.

It may have taken a few (hundred) tries but we’re seeing results!

-       Flailing/hitting/biting:  “I don’t feel safe around you.  May you please calm your body or do you need to leave?”  (Keeps flailing/hitting/biting)  “Okay, I see you need some help leaving the room.”  (Pick up child without emotion and move him/her to a safe place away from others).  “You can join us when you are calm.”

-       Leaving the “safe place” and not being calm:  “I am still not feeling safe, so I am going to move myself.”  (Go into washroom, bedroom, etc. and lock self in or go with other children to another room).  When they follow (which they usually do), “I would like for you to join us and be calm.  But I need to feel safe.  Am I safe with you?” (Usually this is met with a nod and a gulp – a nice hug helps to diffuse the situation).

-       Throwing things in a fit of anger:  As difficult as it is, I try not to react and follow the first script.  Once they are calm, I tell them:  “It looks like you have a job to do”.  They are much less likely to trash a room when they are responsible for the clean up.  If this persists, follow Alyson’s advice and give their toys a “time-out”.  Follow the logic:  when you throw your toys it tells me that you don’t respect them and no longer want them.  I have only had to donate one toy in two years.

I would be remiss if I did not point out some of the challenges that I experienced:

  • It’s difficult to be diplomatic when you’re completely exhausted and at your wits end.  On four hours sleep, I find most parenting strategies a challenge to implement but keeping neutral after the third screaming, meltdown of the day can test even the most patient of folks.
  • Removing all emotion from your tone and body language is a challenge but when I do this, I am often amazed by the reaction from my kids.  When I am calm and not engaging them in a battle and my attention is not focused on them and so the battle is no “fun”.  That old adage, what you feed grows and what you neglect dies couldn’t be more true.
  • Adlerian philosophy is a mind-shift, and it can seem stilted and awkward until you become comfortable with the principles.
  • It is difficult for parents to relinquish some of the control and the power.

What makes the investment in this framework so rewarding for me is seeing my children be capable, valued, and supported members of our family who demonstrate more independence, problem solving skills and emotional “maturity” than I feel they would if we did not subscribe to the Adlerian philosophy.   It works for us – maybe not everyone.

As a side note, Sam has grown-up.  He got tubes put in his ears and experienced instant relief from painful pressure.  His vocabulary has blossomed and the temper tantrums, while not eradicated, are much less frequent and in addition to what the experts had to say he is loving, extremely funny, charismatic and actually quite sensitive.  Who knew when he was whipping plates across the room?

If you would like the chance to win a copy of the book, please leave us a comment any day this week letting us know.  The competition ends at midnight on Friday, April 22.  We will draw for and announce the winner on Saturday, April 23, and Mom Central will mail out a copy of the book to the winner after April 30th.

Disclosure – We are participating in the Ain’t Misbehavin’ program by Mom Central on behalf of Wiley Publishing.  We received a copy of the book to review and gift card as a thank you for our participation.  The opinions on this blog are our own.

photo credit: http://www.anoagibson.blogspot.com