You’re going to high school! It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be amazing. You’ll meet a wonderful combination of friendship, mentorship from teachers, brains, and creative talents here. The only downside is that you’re going to get used to it, and then be disappointed by all future academic pursuits.
When you go on the marine biology trip to Jamaica, try not to scream into the snorkel when you see the octopus a foot away from your nose. It’s still really loud.
Also, the high you get from the cigar-sized joint on this trip will be the cleanest one you will ever have.
It’s the 80s, and fashion is awful, but lose some layers. You look like a tent.
I know, I already told you, McGill would be a big letdown. Sorry. But on one of your summers away, you’re going to meet someone true and who you deeply admire. Unfortunately you will stay in relationship with him approximately five years too many. You’ll need to kiss him goodbye.
By the way, a bagel and a litre of ice cream is not a balanced meal.
Hi you! You made it through law school after all! You look great, the dancing you do at the ballet studio has never been so good. It won’t last forever; your love of it will pass when your teacher does, but I’m glad you’re squeezing from it everything you can.
I also love how you’ve left your comfort zone and are exploring the adult dating world. You’re going to have a lot of fun here, it’s about time you felt some of your own power. It’s not the power you’ll ultimately want, but it has its place. You will, however, make one mistake that you’ll regret forever, the one that costs you an old and would-have-been-forever friend.
Also, you’re going to meet a boy, who will take you to his family’s cottage. There, you are going to step off a cliff and jump into water five stories below. When your feet hit the water’s surface, it will be hard, and fractures will course their way up your spine. You will not be able to work for a year, and during that year, you will be faced with pain, the likes of which you have worked your whole life to keep at bay.
The upside, which you absolutely, completely, totally will not be able to see, is that there is an end to it, and at this end, you will become your own container to fill up that empty space inside you. Everything will change.
Also: that boy, he’s not going to leave. Not in the hospital, not during your rages, not when you’re a million miles away. You’re going to choose him.
You’re going to have a boy! He’ll be beautiful, but premature, just 4 pounds. His attachment to you won’t be clear for a year or so – it’ll be hard. For the first time, you are going to give every ounce of your strength towards an endeavour and fail: you won’t be able to breastfeed. And the transition to parenthood will bring your marriage to its knees.
But here’s the best part: it all gets better. You will end up wonderfully attached to your son, and the next son, and you will even have a third child. Your marriage will rise up from the ashes and your bonds to each other will be stronger than before. You’re even going to stop reading all the conflicting, contorted parenting advice in the parenting book empire and mother your kids in a way that feels right to you.
Your life struggles are hardly over, and it might be nice to have your old skin back, You’ll miss your pre-baby uterine muscles too. But you won’t fall prey to advertisers trying to make people fear getting old. Like a cheese, your life keeps getting better with age.